I stumbled upon an old journal of mine and glanced through few pages.
I just realized how far I have come.
I want to get very personal in this blog post because I think if I open up about these things, it may help one of you who might be having to deal with the same or similar issues.
Where I was
I grew up in a home that was completely opposite to the home I have made for my girls. The home I grew up in was full of stress, uncertainty, instability and fear.
I grew up with a father who is an alcoholic, an addict, and an abuser. Domestic violence was my “normal” and I was a child, so who was I to question things.
I was taught from very early on that I was not in control of my body and my opinion didn’t matter. I was taught that I should feel guilty and ashamed for so many things. I should be a “good girl” (whatever that means) and that I was weak.
I was taught that I should always put away what I want or need to help others, even to my detriment. That I should give someone a million chances because they said they changed. Religion was such a huge part of this. Forced forgiveness and the guilt and shame associated with being a sinner.
As I looked at these pages in my journal I saw the suicidal, broken girl who hated herself enough to mutilate her own body.
I saw how depressed, numb, angry, and cries for love. I saw the many secrets, walls, and excuses made. I saw the scars that I have tried so hard to forget and work through.
I also saw how far I have come.
I have stopped pushing things down because I was afraid to show weakness and emotion. I have realized that this was not “normal”.
I have cut toxic people out of my life and created a safe and peaceful life for myself and my family. I have learned to let down my walls and trust a man who deserves it. I have learned how to create and respect boundaries.
I have learned to say no and not take on more than I can handle. I am learning how to curb the guilt and shame with every decision I make and stop second guessing my abilities.
I have learned to look in the mirror at my reflection and say “I love you” and mean it. I have learned to cut myself some slack, and to give myself compassion. I have learned to accept what is out of my control and not have anxiety about it.
I have learned to find the root of issues so I can continue to work through them. I am learning to be a better person, a better mother, and a better wife because I am choosing to love myself.
I really feel like my children will learn more by watching me then listening to what I tell them in the long run. If I can teach them to love themselves then I will have accomplished something great.
No matter what this life throws at me, I now know I am strong.
I can do this.
I have the power to make myself happy and I don’t need to rely on someone else or a measurement of my success to do that for me.
A new discovery.
I found out this week that I have elevated adrenal hormones and have to change more things than I already have because of the Hashimoto’s.
I now have to cut out meat, but increased my fish. I need to build up my good cholesterol and lower my DHEA hormone. So more supplements and herbs.
I didn’t take this news like I did when I found out a few months ago that I have Hashimoto’s because I know I will beat this.
I focus on what is important, which is my health.
This isn’t forever, but I definitely need to cut down my meat consumption drastically. That’s okay because in the large scheme of things I know I will feel better.
Just like taking away the foods that are hurting us and nourishing our bodies with healing foods that fuel our bodies is important, we need to do the same emotionally/spiritually.
Next time you are in front of your bathroom mirror, try telling your reflection that you love yourself. Look into your eyes and list the things you love about yourself. Physical, character, anything. Start there.
One podcast I listen to that has helped me look at things in different ways and help me along my journey is The Inspiring Mama podcast by Lauren Fire.
In one episode she talked about showing herself love and thinking about her inner child like her own daughter. Thinking about your child and how much you forgive them and love them no matter what they do.
Think about how patient you are with them, and how when they get frustrated and don’t believe in themselves; you encourage them.
Now turn that around and think about how you can do the same for yourself.
How you can be more patient and encouraging to yourself when you mess up.
How you can love yourself no matter what the scale says.
How you can choose to forgive yourself and cut yourself some slack.
I got into a conversation with some family members recently about using terms like “Be a good girl and listen” and is how it is not okay because it uses guilt and shame to get children to listen.
It doesn’t make the child a “bad” child if they are having a hard day and can’t cope with the emotions, or are hungry and their blood sugar is too low, or they just were to (naturally) express themselves, their independence. So why do we still do the same thing to ourselves?
We need to start by changing the voice in our head.
Our parents or caretaker’s voice (or lack of) will become the voice in our head.
So let’s change that now for our good and our children’s welfare. We don’t want to echo that voice to our children and hurt them the same way we have been hurt.
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